Trains and boats and planes (and buses)

My orientation of Auckland is done by a ride on the free circular bus around the city centre. The city itself is quite small and it is dominated by the University and the waterfront. I am staying at a hostel in the centre of town and hostel life continues: card games; pool games and holding digital cameras in the air to get photos for the next episode of Facebook. There are some very peculiar New Zealand traits: no one as far as I can tell uses cash; netball is such a big game over here; the betting shops are licensed premises as well or the bars have betting shops attached to them; there are no beggars or homeless as far as I can tell; they do not seem to have an immigration hang-up and are prepared to tackle the indigenous Maori challenges; the Premier's house is guarded by only a 5 foot high fence; it is a nuclear-free country;Kiwis eat cheese and spinach sanwiches and the trains (with one exception) never run on time. The rules of speech are interesting too. It seems that vowels are interchangeable: hence a tixi will get you home at night and good finces make good neighbours. Consonants can disppear. The woman sitting next to me on the train lived 5 minutes from Suffus. I looked at her quizzically and it was only after 30 minutes or so of conversation about Suffus I realised that she lived near Sufers' Paradise. Another interesting fact is that the Kiwis are not part of the war on terror and have disbanded the strike arm of their air-force. The only act of terrorism committed on New Zealand territory was by the French when they mined Rainbow Warrior in the 1980s.

The scenery in New Zealand is spectacular. I have seen glaciers, snow-capped mountains, sunny golden beaches and lush green fields full of grazing sheep all in the same day. I went into the forest used in Lord of the Rings for a number of scenes and it was only 2 minutes from the centre of Wellington.

From Auckland I purchased a 7 day rail pass and my first stop was Wellington for the Ireland v All Blacks game. The train was 4 hours late because of goods traffic. This was to be true of all my journeys by rail. This is all the more curious and even more

amazing when you consider that for most of the journey there is only one train per day on a single track. You would have thought that someone might have been able to sort that out. I believe that in the whole history of New Zealand rail the only train to have run on time was the 1528 from Karikourai to Christchurch. I got to the station at 1530 because of a mix-up with my luggage at the hostel. I waved to the guard as the train left the station and she waved back as the train slowly but surely disappeared into the distance. The game itself was miserable. Ireland played with heart and well enough but the weather was atrocious: wet and freezing. This left the cake-tin (the local name for the stadium) half empty as most people had wisely decided to watch the game on the telly in their local bar. It is not good to be a northern hemisphere supporter of rugby in New Zealand: the piss-taking is relentless. I had to resort to the relatively poor performance of the All Blacks

in the last World Cup to have any chance of parrying the banter. I imagine that the best place to watch a rugby match in New Zealand is at the only Welsh bar in the southern hemisphere The Dragon in the heart of Wellington. Wales does have a lot in common with New Zealand: sheep; rugby and no Apple shops. The bar itself is a converted public convenience - no further comments needed.

From Wellington I caught the ferry to Picton. It was strange watching Ironman on a boat crossing the Cook Straits. I loved the south island of New Zealand: Queenstown is spectacular and Christchurch is charming. I did black-water rafting and sledging in Queenstown and walked the streets of Christchurch. Christchurch is charming; it is very English.

On Tuesday night an Irish music session was advertised at The Bog. I expected 3 bearded, Irish-heritage Kiwis to be singing earnestly about how bad te English are to various melodies based on the phase diddly dee diddly doo. How wrong I was: when I arrived there were 23 musicians aged from 7 to 76 from 7 different countries. This was the community session sponsored by Jamesons. They welcome anyone to play with them at these sessions. If you're ever in Christchurch don't miss them. If you are there on the Tuesday you may as well stay till the Wednesday and go to the hep dancing and jive session at the Loaded Hog - equally quaint and charming. Christchurch is such a pleasant place to be - wonderful art galleries, beautifully restored

buildings and imaginative uses for old university buildings. It's also got a dyslexia garden which talks you through the experiences of those with dyslexia; in the garden is some of the most evocative sculpture I have ever seen. Christchurch is great: it's in my top ten.

Whilst in New Zealand I finished reading the latest biography of Einstein. Since it is about 100 years between the publication of his special theory of relativity and his genral theory I have decided to commemorate the occasion with a couple of my own theories. They are the special theory of humanity and the general theory of humanity. The special theory will explain why a pint of lager always costs between three and four pounds in all capital cities - no matter what the exchange rate or the standard of living of the country. The general theory will prove that all countries have: bad governments; a pre-occupation with house prices; immigration problems; low-paid jobs being performed by undocumented or illegal immigrants and a rising standard of living. The New Zealand paradox will form part of this theory. Papers will be published on these theories in the near future.

Reading: The Clocks by Agatha Christie

Published: Still technical problems but will be sorted with opening of Apple store in Sydney on June 19

On the iPod Sawdust by The Killers

Tuesday I got Thursday on my mind

I could be in England: the Union Jack is flying everywhere; the Queen's face smiles from the $10 notes: the natives are complaining about immigrants taking all their jobs. There are a few differences: it is mid-winter and the temperature is 75F; the immigrants in question came to Fiji about 70 years ago as a result of British colonialism; there is an interim military government as a result of a military coup a couple of years ago and there is live food sold everywhere. I hadn't realised. just how Indian Fiji was: from Patel's supermarket to the magnificent Hindu Temple shown below; from the Prince Charles and  N V  Patel national stadium to the roti and sari shops.

There is an ever larger and growing resentment among the indigenous population about the Indians' position of privilege; the Indians think the Fijians are lazy. Depending who your taxi driver is you get a different view of the future of these beautiful islands.

Arriving there was confusing because I lost Wednesday as a result of  crossing the international date line. The beauty of Fiji is that there is no-one hassling or hustling you; there is no tipping and it is not encouraged. What surprised me is that it was so much more a developing country than I expected. I thought it was going to be more of a developed and sophisticated tourist venue - something

 like Hawaii but it was closer to  Gambia. The streets aredusty and the market is crowded, dirty and full of exotic foods both dead and alive. the last time I saw anything like this I was in Vietnam.This paradox will be explained later. The new colonialists are the phone companies: Vodafone sponsored everything. There is only one McDonald's and there are queues to get in. Brands,too, are everywhere - why are a 19 year-old woman and her 3 year-old daughter wearing Ramones' T shirts?

The buses of Fiji are amazng: they race taxis; there is no such thing as a full bus; there is one every 5 minutes and they are so cheap - it is the only way to travel

on the island until 11pm. Nadi (pronounced Nandi) was particularly busy because it was the Fiji cup finals of soccer. I managed to watch 3 games including the final. I also watched the final of the Super 14 on TV. This is Rugby but not as I know it. Waratha from Sydney were playing the Crusaders from Christchurch. The game was played at such a pace and with such finesse that I believe a Northern hemisphere side will find it difficult to win the World Cup for the next decade at least. In the end Christchurch won because their South Pacific players were better than Sydney's. All over the island you can see home-made pitches with bamboo rugby posts.

Fiji was my first real experience of backpackers. I stayed at a hostel and was treated as a bit of a curiosity. The backpackers' life is not as I expected: it is quite staid compared to, say, my retirement party in Vegas. Much of the day is spent playing cards or Pictogram or sunbathing. A lot of the nights are spent watching movies. Friday and Saturday are party nights where the whole of the night is spent holding digital cameras in the air to take shots for Facebook or other social networking sights.

 The islands of Fiji are beautiful and many. I went on a sailing ship to the island featured in Tom Hanks' Castaway. On the last day I discovered Denarau Island. This is the Hawaii of Fiji: manicured or herbicured lawns; $1 million houses; golf and racquet clubs; the finest hotels and massive yachts. And yet it is only 2 miles from the shanties outside Nadi. How long can they co-exist? It puts me in mind of the Waterfront in Capetown co-existing with the townships only miles away. How long can that last?

On the iPod: Coldplay

Reading: Einstein

Published: Due to technical difficulties and the lack of Apple stores in the Southern Hemisphere there will be no Shirt of the Villa for a while. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.